In the last three weeks there has been, at least, two occasions where I repented (in retrospect) what I said. When I played back the conversations again and again, in my mind, I realised that there were only one or two sentences (and sometimes words) that twisted the conversation. Wrong words, wrong sentences, wrong phrases, wrong body movement, wrong facial expressions are like tipping point for an avalanche. It is like school bells-- once it rings you can never stop the children gushing out... Its a like a raging river, a sedate and serene 'pharan' can thus become a death defying experience…. and most of the time you don't come back alive, every time your conscious dies or worst still you add an additional layer to your skin ( making it thicker than it was earlier).
During the conversation you need to remember two things... 'who are you' and 'where do you want this conversation to go-- the purpose of the conversation'. Conversations go awry only when you are not clear about these two things.
'Where do you want the conversation to go' is a relatively easy question to answer. There are three stages here :
- I am very sure of what I want
- I don't know what I want
- What I want is a function of how the other person behaves during the conversation
‘Being sure of what you want’ is a state of mind that is so profound and overwhelming that you don't have time for inconsequential expression of emotion. Have you ever see a worker bee smile / frown while it is at its purpose. It is so sure of its purpose, that it does not have time for such expression... the advantage of giving such examples are , you can never go wrong... someone needs to really get stung by a bee to prove me otherwise. .. hehehe !!
I am very sure of what I want -- is the ideal state. All of us have gone through this stage (but may not have realised it).
Every time a woman smiles after she has trounced your foot with her stiletto heels... she is very sure of what she wants -- "Mercy without saying so"
How we react to the women who trounced our foot, will help us understand the stage that we are in:
i) I am very sure what I want -- "If you give me your number I can send you my medical bills" (and depending on 'who you are' the intent would be to get the ‘number' or the 'medical bills' or 'both')
ii) I don't know what I want -- "High heel pehen ke bus mein aaney ki kya zaroorat hai "
iii) What I want is a function of the how the other person behaves during the conversation -- a) A bomb-shell in stilettos -- koi baat nahi madam ; b) Otherwise -- choicest invectives.
Ok, now quiz time ... "amongst the two stages 'I don't know what I want' and 'What I want is a function of how the other person behaves during the conversation' which one is more miserable” ..tik tik tik tik
'I don't know what I want' is conscious incompetence. In such scenario, the first best thing to do is to introspect. Try to find out the purpose of your conversation. And if you are unsure, it will not be deemed as your cowardice should you refrain from any further conversation. On the contrary, if you are not sure of what you want and still continue the conversation, it could lead to dementia!
"What I want is a function of the how the other person behaves during the conversation" --- You pretty much don't have an opinion and wouldn't mind swinging either ways ! Every conversation has a purpose, and if you don't take control of the purpose, the ‘purpose’ (often adverse of what you want) takes control of you. Hence instead you controlling the conversation, the conversation controls you!
Of the two, the second one is more miserable and takes longer time to heal.
Now, let’s come to the next big topic: "Who you are" in the conversation.
What you do is always a function of who you are, but most of the time we conveniently confuse it to be a function of the situation (paristhiti). Hence, if you believe, that you are the "bigger" person in the conversation.. you would never want to trounce the other person, rather the surety within you would allow you to patiently listen to the other, not being pugnacious, but would still have the panache to get what you want out of the conversation. The easiest way to understand this, is to trace your conversation with someone 'lower' in the hierarchy. I must quickly add that conversation has nothing to do with hierarchy or levels. It has everything to do with ‘who you think you are’ in the conversation. It has everything to do with your surety of your purpose.
Hence to get maximum out of a conversation, remember the two things .. 'who are you' and 'where do you want this conversation to go-- the purpose of the conversation' . Before you begin the conversation.. ALWAYS REHEARSE. With every word, every sentence, every phrase, every body movement, every facial expression rehearse it in the backdrop of these two, to validate each nuance of your conversation. And once you are absolutely sure... only then start speaking.
Rehearse till it becomes innate and immutable.
During the conversation you need to remember two things... 'who are you' and 'where do you want this conversation to go-- the purpose of the conversation'. Conversations go awry only when you are not clear about these two things.
'Where do you want the conversation to go' is a relatively easy question to answer. There are three stages here :
- I am very sure of what I want
- I don't know what I want
- What I want is a function of how the other person behaves during the conversation
‘Being sure of what you want’ is a state of mind that is so profound and overwhelming that you don't have time for inconsequential expression of emotion. Have you ever see a worker bee smile / frown while it is at its purpose. It is so sure of its purpose, that it does not have time for such expression... the advantage of giving such examples are , you can never go wrong... someone needs to really get stung by a bee to prove me otherwise. .. hehehe !!
I am very sure of what I want -- is the ideal state. All of us have gone through this stage (but may not have realised it).
Every time a woman smiles after she has trounced your foot with her stiletto heels... she is very sure of what she wants -- "Mercy without saying so"
How we react to the women who trounced our foot, will help us understand the stage that we are in:
i) I am very sure what I want -- "If you give me your number I can send you my medical bills" (and depending on 'who you are' the intent would be to get the ‘number' or the 'medical bills' or 'both')
ii) I don't know what I want -- "High heel pehen ke bus mein aaney ki kya zaroorat hai "
iii) What I want is a function of the how the other person behaves during the conversation -- a) A bomb-shell in stilettos -- koi baat nahi madam ; b) Otherwise -- choicest invectives.
Ok, now quiz time ... "amongst the two stages 'I don't know what I want' and 'What I want is a function of how the other person behaves during the conversation' which one is more miserable” ..tik tik tik tik
'I don't know what I want' is conscious incompetence. In such scenario, the first best thing to do is to introspect. Try to find out the purpose of your conversation. And if you are unsure, it will not be deemed as your cowardice should you refrain from any further conversation. On the contrary, if you are not sure of what you want and still continue the conversation, it could lead to dementia!
"What I want is a function of the how the other person behaves during the conversation" --- You pretty much don't have an opinion and wouldn't mind swinging either ways ! Every conversation has a purpose, and if you don't take control of the purpose, the ‘purpose’ (often adverse of what you want) takes control of you. Hence instead you controlling the conversation, the conversation controls you!
Of the two, the second one is more miserable and takes longer time to heal.
Now, let’s come to the next big topic: "Who you are" in the conversation.
What you do is always a function of who you are, but most of the time we conveniently confuse it to be a function of the situation (paristhiti). Hence, if you believe, that you are the "bigger" person in the conversation.. you would never want to trounce the other person, rather the surety within you would allow you to patiently listen to the other, not being pugnacious, but would still have the panache to get what you want out of the conversation. The easiest way to understand this, is to trace your conversation with someone 'lower' in the hierarchy. I must quickly add that conversation has nothing to do with hierarchy or levels. It has everything to do with ‘who you think you are’ in the conversation. It has everything to do with your surety of your purpose.
Hence to get maximum out of a conversation, remember the two things .. 'who are you' and 'where do you want this conversation to go-- the purpose of the conversation' . Before you begin the conversation.. ALWAYS REHEARSE. With every word, every sentence, every phrase, every body movement, every facial expression rehearse it in the backdrop of these two, to validate each nuance of your conversation. And once you are absolutely sure... only then start speaking.
Rehearse till it becomes innate and immutable.
